Dear Johan,
I don’t understand the concept (T told me to add “concept”) of grace and I think on some level that’s what it’s for: grace stewards non-linearity and protects miracles from the colonization of the mind.
Say that again: saying “grace” tells my linear mind not to pick the scabs of walking on water.
But my mind is persistent. When I read T my letters, grace always follows. I feel loved by him afterwards like never before. He told me that he understands me better. It was tricky reading about Tom and even talking about Tom but, after they met, it got so smooth. I made a friend date for Friday and told both T and J, “Hey, I’m going to comedy with this guy I met a year ago on Friday.”
My codependency circuitry shuddered but they both nodded and seemed secure.
The other grace that seems to be following is everybody is hornier. Casually horny. Rejuvenatingly horny. No one’s horniness has seemed to take any hits when I share about other relationships I’m forming.
Insert emoji that conveys utter surprise and is scared that even being surprised could jinx whatever’s happening that then takes a deep breath and acknowledges that I’m worshipping toward something that can’t fuck up love.
We’re getting ready for a threeway and I’m feeling my body. There’s this blankness that often occurs. I’ve learned that once I start touching, it goes away, and I always chalked it up to my turn-on being more somatic…but I had an idea. I went up to T sitting on the couch and said, “I want to do an experiment. I’m going to read what I’m writing to you.” And then I read him this letter up to this paragraph. I wanted to see how I felt when I hit the grace button.
I was erect halfway through.
I was talking to somebody the other day about love.
I said,
“I believe that love is a real thing and I don’t care if it’s an actual thing or a necessary thing, like my brain needs to believe in an essential all-pervasive force in the universe. It’s a great case for why we’re always looking for unified theories of everything. So love is a thing that is in infinite supply and the feeling of love is a kind of bread crumb that can get us closer to touching the infinite supply and sometimes even lead us astray.”
And I’m being totally serious here, even though it sounds cheeky, I think the same thing about boners.
What gives us boners is a bread crumb trail to what the Buddhists call Great Love, a love that can’t be earned.
I’m sure that when we touch this Great Love we can so clearly see that it wasn’t earned that we return all the way to witnessing grace.
I just read that all to T and he said, “It’s easy to look at you and feel love.”
Night Johan,
Mike
